I never really gave my breasts much thought until I got pregnant with my first kid. I wasn’t small or big, average B cups and weighed in the 120’s (though I didn’t even have a scale back then….ignorance was bliss). But my boobs ballooned into huge (amazing) things…DD cups. I never in my wildest dreams imagined such a wonderful side effect. After I lost all the weight after my first kid they stayed larger…C cups and after my second kid D cups.
Now I am not just bragging about my boob growth….I gained weight EVERYWHERE…thighs…butt…abdominal area….face and some other not so amazing things happened too, like stretch marks. As I started to reasearch and implement this huge lifestyle change, my husband commented that he didn’t want me to lose my boobs with all this healthy stuff….and that stuck in my head like a festering splinter.
I get it guys love boobs and what dude wouldn’t be pumped about his lady’s breasts growing over the course of their relationship. I mean, I loved these things too. I loved the cleavage. The bras. All of it. Up until that point I hadn’t really considered what it would be like to lose them (or that I was going to, how naive). I felt sabbotaged by this whole idea. I had earned this awesome rack, albeit by gaining fat strategically, and suddenly my VANITY had stepped in and made me doubt things considerably.
VANITY and DOUBT…evil bitches. I was so confident about myself and my body before I had children but I became so insecure. “who cares if I lose weight….i can’t wear a bikini again with this loose skin and stretch marks”… “if I get close to my goal weight I will have to say goodbye to the twins”…”my husband loves my body this way…maybe I should just stay heavier and stay ‘sexy’”. I was getting stronger in the gym and weaker in my spirit. I hated it!
I still battle with these demons to this day. And honestly, all the fitness models with huge, fake tits (that I am guilty of posting everday) don’t help the problem. Naturally unattainable bodies, whether they be from eating disorders or plastic surgery, make women (me) feel inadequate.
I focus on strength and personal goals nowadays and worry less about things I can’t control. Sure my boobs shrink a little everytime I drop 5 lbs (and I miss them)…..but I CAN help push our race car onto the trailer with my crazy strong legs or I CAN run a half-marathon with them. I CAN carry evey bag of groceries in one trip (i buy alot of food for a family of four) with my strong arms and I CAN carry my sleeping children to bed…both of them at one time. I functionally squat ATH all the time to pick up bikes, car seats, patients. I learn every sport that interests me. My endurance kicks my husband’s ass everytime in the gym (he calls my workouts crazy and I love it).
I don’t know if I will ever be comfortable with the changes that my body went through to become a mama or the changes that keep happening….but I CAN celebrate my strengths….AND I even bought my first bikini in years for my nursing school graduation trip to Cali.
Feel free to message me your own thoughts on this….i know I can’t be the only one preparing fory boob funeral.